And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too…

ugh

No new erotic chapters, just a new chapter in the saga of your favorite lunatic:

So, new doctor, new diagnoses. Still seeking other opinions, but it’s looking like I’m Bipolar….apparently, which makes sense. I knew there was something wrong with me, beyond just trauma and the like. And my life has just been chaos mostly, it’s just a coincidence that the symptoms appeared not long after I went through a horrific period in my life.

  • My mania produces optimism, and actual progress on creative endeavors.
  • My tailspins just destroy me, and my life falls apart.

It’s been rough sledding this past year. I experimented with going off hormones for a while to see if it would tame my emotions…. it didn’t… made them worse, and then starting them back up again just pushed me over the edge. I finally broke completely, and attempted to take my own life on my 26th birthday. Which landed me in the hospital, and a mental care facility for a few months, which just adds to my anxiety as all my co-workers, and  classmates, now know I’m batshit crazy. (I did get this really sexy scar out of the whole deal, though… so that’s somethin’)

The good news is; I’m on medication for it now.

The downside to the meds is that, so far, they just turn me into a zombie.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t seem to write in this medicated state. I can’t write when depressed. I can’t reach mania without stopping the meds, and the fear of sinking into another crushing depression if I attempt to do so just has me paralyzed.

Sorry your favorite erotic writer is such a loon. I don’t know when new chapters will appear.  Just thought you deserved to know.

 

(Also, Pink Floyd… why did it take me this long to discover these guys?? Mind blown.)

Andi

2 Comments

  1. The balancing act of side effects versus benefits from taking or not taking meds is one of the more stressful parts of BP. Actually having to live life while your perception and or capability is altered while your doctor plays Dial-A-Mood with your brain. Anyway, I wish you good luck and hope you find a good treatment that works for you.

    And Pink Floyd is the shit. What’s your favorite song? I could listen to Welcome to the Machine on repeat all day.

    • Thanks, it’s a real pain in the ass to deal with. Dump the bi-polar bomb on top of my anxiety attacks which have gotten worse, and I’m a spicy disaster.

      I don’t have a favorite song. My ex was always trying to get me to listen to them, and I just never really connected with them, maybe it was just the songs he was feeding me. But then I met a girl when I was in the looney bin, who got me to listen to “Wish You Were Here” (the record not the song), and maybe it was just the connection, two girls with their cheeks pressed together, an ear bud in each outside ear, experiencing music together, but I really liked it. It wasn’t until I got home, and decided to smoke some weed and listen to “The Wall” that I got hooked. I think I had it on a loop on iTunes for a month. Went out and bought everything they’ve ever done on vinyl, and for some reason their music always makes me feel something…. usually better, but something, instead of nothing. Energy maybe, IDK. I just like it.

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