Attraction / Fantasizing


Most people settle for something simple in terms of what they are attracted to. But I believe there is so much more to be explored. Now, permanence is not in my nature… (This is why I’ll never have tattoos – I change my mind way too often. ) …but my fickle nature got me thinking a lot about attractions.

Let me preface this by saying I have a boyfriend who I love madly, and I am completely into guys… But I recently realized something. I don’t spend a lot of time checking guys out. Of course when a guy I find especially attractive catches my eye I get that same achy, “I wanna have some sexy time with you” feeling I get when I see a hot girl, but it’s not always my first instinct to scope guys. However, I do spend an awful lot of time scoping-out girls: both Cis and TG.

I’ve always thought of myself as a girl. Or at least that I should have been born one. But I was never attracted to guys when I was young. When I first started dressing – trying on my friends’ sister’s clothes, etc. And then later, when masturbating, I never fantasized about guys. Only girls, and only as a girl. I never fantasized about having sex with a girl – as a guy.

Then one day I had a fantasy about being the girl I always felt I should have been, and I was being taken by a faceless man, and I came like never before. But still, I would never check out guys, or fantasize about being with them. It wasn’t until I first allowed a man to kiss me; felt the touch of a man on my skin – his strong hands on my arms, then all over my body, controlling me, caressing me, turning me over, the amazing sex that followed, and the explosive orgasms which resulted did it ever even occur to me that a relationship with a man might be a realistic option, and not just some fantasy about an anonymous faceless man.

I’m totally pansexual now, but still, my first instinct is always to check other girls out, and only really evaluate and consider a guy if he seems interested in me (which is frequently.) But I definitely prefer sex with men. I just find it all a little weird especially that, as crazy about dick as I am, that I would be so passive in my evaluation of guys… It’s just damn peculiar. What is everyone else’s experience?




Some critics of GID and homosexuality consider this subject as a hot button. They say that sexual identity and preference are both choices. I don’t agree. I do think that one can explore what gives them pleasure and rank one experience over another, and there will always be some sort of baseline. But I wanna know if I’m alone in this attraction to girls in general but a preference for men in bed. Although, I could have just been in denial when I was young because I was not SUPPOSED to be attracted to men.

A side note: sex with girls was never as overwhelmingly orgasmic as sex with guys… at least for me. It always took forever to get off  (I usually had to picture that faceless man fucking me in order to get off.] — While I really enjoy hanging out with other girls and cuddling, and I love their bodies and making out with them and such, they don’t quite do it for me like men or other T-girls do. Unless there is a strap-on involved, then it’s amazing. Some girls fuck better than boys, but not all of them are comfortable with strap-on play. (…And by faceless man, I don’t mean like in some creepy horror movie way, just that I never pictured a specific face on the guy.)

Also regarding masturbation: I could only get off by stacking a few pillows into a pile, and bending over them doggy style and doing kegels while lightly rubbing up against them. This even worked after I was on hormones for a while when I couldn’t get it up… I could still orgasm this way. The stroking thing never really worked for me until recently, I had to force myself to learn it cuz my BF found it sexy. But I still have to do kegels. And something in my butt usually helps, whether it be a dildo or a butt plug… or an actual cock: those work really well, too 😀 (I take Cialis or Viagra now to get erections, cuz the hormones basically make that a crap shoot. It’s hit or miss without the help.) 



  1. If only I could have described myself as well as you do. Your November post is pretty much how I would describe my sexual self. I never thought anyone could understand how I feel about things but you said it perfectly. You are gifted with remarkable self awareness and the fearless ability to express it. While not exactly identical it is so close I swear you had crawled inside my head. Thanks

  2. I think we share the mental box seats at the opera house where they’re showing a production all about attraction and sexy, catering particularly to what we find hot and.. inspirational :)

    And to think, once upon a time I thought it was bad that I never wanted to be the guy in the porno movies.. always fantasized about being the girl, or put myself in her place to get off to it.

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